Prepare yourselves

This will be upon us soon. Get ready for a whole new demographic of casual twats to impose on OUR hobby.

The FCFTG (Fat Casual First Time Gamers)

Things have been going downhill since the Sega Saturn days. Here’s my explanation of why:

Once upon a time, Sega released the Saturn. It was fucking ace but nobody in this country bought it because the 32X and Mega CD that came before it were overpriced barrels of wank.

It all started to go tits up when Sony got shafted by Nintendo and ended up giving us the original Playstation console. The Casual Gamer was born. This newly created breed of super twat managed to convince the masses into ignoring good games and instead, turning their interest’s towards shite like Fifa, Tony Hawk's Pro Skater and/or WWE wrestling games.

Sega released the Dreamcast. It was the best thing ever. It had Shenmue on it for fuck's sake! Not to mention shit-loads of mint Capcom beat-em-ups too. It even had loads of wank casual games like Tony Hawk's Pro Skater on it. Still, nobody bought it. Instead, they all decided to hold off and buy an inferior machine that cost twice as much. Sega died. This was the beginning of the end.

Sony released the Playstation 2. Everyone bought one. It’s got some right old wank on it. It’s also got some good stuff on it too, but none of that sells. The casual gamers grew in intensity. It was only a matter of time before there would be more of them than us.

Shortly after PS2, Microsoft decided to attempt the monopolisation of yet another market, by giving us the Xbox. The smelly PC gamers soon jumped aboard. Gaming changed forever. Everything suddenly seemed to contain men with guns shooting other men that had guns. The Yanks fucking loved it. Instead of encouraging creativity and driving the industry forward, developers just ported the same old PS2 shit onto this. The lazy fuckers.

After Microsoft realised they couldn’t beat Sony, they prematurely killed off the original Xbox and released the Xbox 1.5 or Xbox 360 as it’s sometimes known. Luckily for Microsoft, most Xbox fans were stupid Americans and they didn’t even realise that they’d been shafted and conned into buying a console that wasn’t future-proof and that was entirely made up of old technology. The Xbox 360, on top of being the most un-reliable electronic device ever built, has given us absolutely nothing new. It's just more of the same, albeit in a slightly higher resolution.

Sony decided to rest on its laurels a bit and they launched the Playstation 3. They made a right fuck-up of it too. They were lucky that Toshiba couldn’t be arsed to pursue HD-DVD anymore and that their user base is made up of people who are less intelligent than Youtube commenters. They had a very slow start, but will ultimately end up winning the next-gen race.

All hope rested with Nintendo. They were there at the beginning. They were the veterans. They were our saviours. They had a console called The Revolution. They got everyone excited about it. Then, they suddenly changed the name of the console to ‘Wii’. They followed this up by deciding to abandon their loyal supporters. They launched the Wii. Everyone bought it. Even your fucking grandma has one! They’ve ruined gaming. The only thing they’ve done is make the Xbox 360 and Ps3 look better in comparison. The Wii was bad enough, but Wii Fit?

Cheers Nintendo.